Monday, April 4, 2011

Words I Cannot Stand

I figure my first post on here should be something that says a whole lot about the kind of person I am. After reflecting upon the two most important aspects of my life,
1. I aspire to write
2. I am a New Yorker
I figured I should write about something that corresponds with the aforementioned attributes. See below.
1. Something pertaining to vocabulary
2. Something that allows room for excessive complaining
I've compiled a list of words that bother the crap out of me; I'm going to try my hardest to explain why they bother the crap out of me.  

1. Junk: Not only is this word particularly vague and does positively nothing as far evoking any imagery whatsoever (except maybe your creepy neighbor's crawl-space filled with useless shit) it just sounds gross. It sounds like when you buy a carton of Ben and Jerry's that's way too big for one person, so you take it in and out of the freezer until it thaws and freezes sixteen times over; then it gets all rubbery and sticks to your throat and tastes like used erasers. 

2. Moist: This might be one of the worst words in the English language. Nothing "moist" is ever good. Ever. When people and companies try to market things using the word "moist" (bakeries, cake mixes, Paula Dean) it is the biggest turn-off ever. Flooded basements are moist. Sponges underneath the sink are moist. A lax bro's gym clothes are moist. Happy things like cupcakes and cookies should not be moist. 

3. Loaf: First off, no serious word should ever end in F. Barf. Dwarf. Goof. No. People try to disguise this word in phrases so it doesn't sound awkward. "Loaf of bread," or "Loaf pan," but go ahead and say it on its own. Yeah, that's what I thought. The Free Dictionary defines this word as: A shaped, usually rounded or oblong, mass of food. Oblong Mass of food. That's disgusting. Foods should be round (crabcakes) or square (Ellios pizza) or blob-shaped (mashed potatoes). Never, ever, should a food be described as "oblong." The definition then goes on to say that the phrase "Loaf of bread" originally started as "loaf-mass" and there was a dude (otherwise referred to as "keeper of bread") who was called a "loaf-ward." I feel like if someone walked up to me, pointed in my face, and said, "you're a loaf-ward," I'd be more offended than if he used the most vulgar, unspeakable, tasteless insult he could think of. 

4. Stinky: This is a "mom word." Moms use it when they're trying to sensor themselves around their kids. Rather than saying, "That blows really hard," or "that smells like crap," or "that is the worst quality hamburger I've ever unfortunately ordered off a drive-through menu," they say, "that's stinky." Personally, I just think it sounds stupid. People shouldn't say this word unless they're six years old or they've recently popped out a bunch of toddlers. 

5. Meow: Technically, I guess this is more of an onomatopoeia than anything else. Still, it really shouldn't be used unless you are speaking specifically about a noise that a cat has made. Example: "This morning I woke up to my cat making meow-noises." Never should this word be used as filler in a conversation. If you don't have anything to say, I'd rather you just type, "lol." Or, you know, don't say anything at all. Maybe the conversation is supposed to end there. Never try to get my attention by saying "meow" to me. You are a human being. If you want my attention, try, "Hey, Maria," or "You there," or "Look over here." Don't rawr at me, either. 

6. Obnoxious: This word has its place. There are times when it should be used. When there is a couple in a restaurant whose baby has been crying for ten minutes and no one has done a thing about it, or when a group of girls feels the need to be louder than the rest of the cafeteria because every word that exits their mouths is the funniest thing ever, then obnoxious is the appropriate terminology. However, this word cannot be interchangeable with every adjective ever. Not everything can be obnoxious. Try a thesaurus. How about abhorrent, grating, loathsome, displeasing, cursive, offensive; the possibilities are endless. 

7. Hummus: A dip made of mashed chickpeas. I've heard it's good. I've never tried it. Probably because it's called Hummus. It sounds like the name of a plague. Or, better yet, an STD. "I went to this insane party last night, bro. I don't really remember what happened, but I think a chick gave me Hummus. Yep. That's right. I got the Hums."

8. Really: I'm not talking about when people use this as an adverb. Or as an intensifier, or in place of the phrase, "In fact." I'm talking about when this is someone's solitary reaction. When someone responds with nothing more than, "Really? Really!?" I'm not going to lie. I've been guilty of this myself; sometimes people are just so stupid that you can't wrap your head around it. But when you're in a situation where A) one's intentions are more than clear, and B) the reality of the situation is not questionable at all, please do not use the response, "Really?" I was once standing idly in the mall's food court, and a fight broke out between two boys. Boy 1 decked Boy 2 directly in the face, and Boy 2's response was, "Really? Really!?" Yes, fucking really. To me, that says, "The certainty of what you've just done hasn't yet sunk in. In order to further your point, by all means, please, punch my face again." 

9. Personally: I had this chick in one of my classes who began every comment with, "Well, like... Personally, for me..." Unnecessary. We know it's your personal opinion. It's coming from your goddamn mouth. I don't know of anyone whose opinion is not personal. On a separate note, if you're starting a sentence with, "Don't take this personally, but," odds are you already know that what's coming out of your mouth will be categorized as offensive. You also know that the receiver of your comment will in fact take it personally, and will A) break down over their self-esteem and you'll be forced to console them, or B) purposely fire back with something that you'll take personally, and they'll introduce it with, "Don't take this personally, but." Then it'll be a never-ending cycle of politely-introduced insults, and you'll both want to kill yourselves. 

10. Rack, Cleavage, Shaft, Screw: I've grouped these words together because they're all words that should not be used as everyday G-rated terms. I don't care if you're talking about a rack of CDs, the splitting of crystalline materials, the narrow part of a spear, or a metal fastener. I have the maturity level of a thirteen year old boy. I will laugh, no matter the context. If these words had only one single connotation, I wouldn't feel like an immature perv every time they came up in conversation during family dinners. 

I've reached a generic I'm-listing-stuff number, and I think I'll stop here. Instead I'll apologize for the opposition between this layout and this blog post (Your initial reaction: dull colors and outlines of birds, she'll probably say something brooding and insightful and annoyingly vague, like "Do not stand at my grave! I breathe my last breath for you! This blog in reality: Woops. Nope, that's bullshit) and then I'll be on my way. Thanks for reading. 

1 comment:

  1. "I'm sorry it's moist, but moist coffee is super Seattle, so it's okay."