Friday, June 3, 2011

Things I missed about New York

1. People understand the value of time: I'm not going to claim that this is entirely consistent throughout the rest of the country; in all honesty (since one of the requirements of being a college kid is that you've got to be poor as shit) I've only been to about four restaurants outside of New York in the past year. All I'm saying is that it's probably consistent throughout the rest of the country and I actually am claiming exactly that, because all four times, we walked in. We stood there. We stood there more. We got seated. We sat. We got menus. We stared at the menus. For thirty minutes. We ordered. We sat. For an hour. We ate. We sat. We waited for the check. We sat with the check in front of us. For thirty minutes. We left. That's a good two and a half hours you've just taken out of your schedule--to eat food. If band geekdom has taught me anything throughout highschool, it's that you can eat an entire meal in less than nine minutes, because when you've got lessons during your lunch period, you've got no goddamn choice. I'm not saying that it's particularly pleasant, but it's possible. And there's no reason why something that can be done in nine minutes should be stretched out to the point where it occupies 10.41% of your day.

2. Disputes are easily avoided: If you piss someone off in a state that is not New York, more often than not, they pretend to be cool with it, but that's not actually the case. They finish the conversation, but a deep, impenetrable hatred is bubbling inside of them. They walk away. They tell all their friends how much you suck, and thus instill a deep impenetrable hatred inside all of them. Rumors start, spread, and take over. Then, one day, four months down the road, it all comes out in a blast of fury and your face gets ripped off.
If you piss off someone in a state that is New York, something like this happens:
Maria: "La la la, offensive things, blah blah racist remarks, crude humor, referencing and approval of the YouTube video where toddler gets kicked in the face, La la la."
Angsty Person: "Woah, Maria. Wait a second. You just really pissed me off."
Maria: "Wait, seriously? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, even if you're being a pansy."
Not-Angsty-Anymore Person: "LOL It's okay. Man, I really am being a pansy. Let me make you a sammich."

3. Shower Pressure: I have reason to believe that the water in the freshman dorms was pumped through the pipes via the power of a single guinea pig on its exercise wheel. Maybe this is because I've been in the prostitution business for a while (joke) but I seriously enjoy it when my shower beats the shit out of me. I feel clean when I am bruised like a peach. I do not feel clean when gravity just barely allows me to acknowledge this activity as "hygienic." Actually, I'm decently sure that gravity doesn't even exist in the freshman showers. I'm pretty sure the stalls themselves are anti-gravity chambers. You take a shower by standing in suspended, immobile water vapor. Awesome.

4. There are actually places to go: Observe.
Here's the main road, five minutes walking distance from my college.

Now here's the main road, five minutes walking distance from my house in New York.
Yeah. Exactly. I mean, some of it's unnecessary, I guess. Miele Auto Sales and Repair?  I don't have a car. Who gives a fuck? It's there. Michael L Tumen Dpm? I don't know what that is. Whatever. The point is that New York understands the prospect of making your state important by building lots of stuff.


  1. You forgot that All American trumps everything. It's like "AIDS" or "Anne Frank" in Apples to Apples: 'Fuck I give up, dude. You got me.'

  2. You are so correct about #2.

    And I will admit, I am a creeper. How else can I explain reading your blog?

    Thanks for posting your awesomeness.