Saturday, June 11, 2011

Awkward Situations That Happen to Everyone

And if it hasn't happened to you, wait for it. It will.

1. Socially awkward people who don't know you and still tell you upsetting things: I'm not a bad friend. Seriously, I'm not. Or I try not to be, anyway. If one of my friends needs to talk, or needs advice, or needs someone to listen, I'm absolutely all for it. Here's my typical plan of action when these things occur:
A) Ask for abridged version of issue at hand. Ask if I am providing advice or simply there as a means of venting. 
B) Listen to issue in its entirety. Nod. Offer occasional verbal indication that I am still paying attention.
C) Return to second half of A. If it is the former, provide advice. If it is the latter, skip to D.
D) Make sensitive yet probably still kind-of-uncouth joke pertaining to the problem. 
Now if it's one of my friends, they're cool with D. They're aware that I view humor as a means of dealing with just about everything, and, if nothing else, at least lightening the mood a bit. They're aware that this is just the way I am, and that I don't mean any offense by it. However, if it's a stranger (especially a socially-awkward one) they're now dead set on the fact that I'm blatantly making fun of their lack of friends or their failed attempt at publishing a crappy book about werewolves or their inability to say anything positive ever, and you know what? Good. I'm not your friend. You shouldn't be telling me these things, especially not during our first conversation and especially not right off the bat. An acquaintance who listens to your problems is called a psychiatrist, so either A) get one, or B) pay me.

2. Sec Vs. Sex: So you're running a little late, and you grab your phone to tell your friend that you're almost there. You go to type something like, "Hey, sorry, I'll be there in a sec," but since you're rushing, your finger slips and hits the X instead of the C. Now you're going to be there in a sex, and sex is not typically a reliable interval of time, because I'm pretty sure different people have sex at different paces. So now your response is not only awkward, perverted, and frankly TMI, it's also really vague. Good going. 

3. Facebook Failure: You're on Facebook and you've just posted a comment on someone's picture. Rather than replying to your comment underneath the actual photograph, however, said person decides to respond via Facebook IM/text message/AIM message. You look back at the picture four months later and realize it looks like no one bothered to respond to you, and other people who see it will immediately jump to the conclusion that you've got no friends and everyone hates you. Or--similarly--when there's a big giant comment party going on on someone's status, and the second you comment, someone starts up another big giant comment party elsewhere. Now this no-longer-big-giant-comment party ends and you're the last one to have said something, so now it seems like you've single-handedly impeded the conversation at dead stop and fucked up everyone's fun. 

4. When you know a lot more about someone than you should: We're all creepers. Granted, we've all got different methods, I guess--obtaining information from gossip, lurking on social-networking sites, blatantly eavesdropping, predatory stalking--but even though we've all got these tendencies, they're still not considered "socially acceptable." So whenever we find out information about someone else, we're forced to hide it. I mean, that's cool, I guess. I don't mind doing that. But it absolutely blows when you slip up. Like when someone tells you a story you already know because you creep on their life, and you have to pretend that you're surprised to hear it, and you're pretty sure your fake-surprised face isn't the least bit convincing. Or, even worse, when someone tells you a story you've heard before and you end up mentioning a detail they never even told you. Or, quite possibly the worst, when you start talking to someone at a party or a club or because a friend brought her to hang out, and when she finally mentions her name, it takes all your self control not to yell out the phrase, "Your name is exceptionally familiar to me because you're commonly recognized for being a ho and my best friend constantly talks about hating you for sleeping with her boyfriend." 

5. When you don't know enough about someone: Like their name, for instance. Or how you know them. Or that they existed in the first place. And he or she walks up to you at a social gathering and says something like, "Hey, do you remember me?" and of course you're going to nod and mumble a bit and hope they either A) stop talking to you and walk away, or B) start up a conversation that will not require you to remember any details about this person. Now, if they do A, that's awesome, but if they do B, that still kind of sucks. Specifically because odds are, twenty-five minutes into the conversation, you're going to remember who they are and how you know them. But that's a good thing, right? Wrong. You can't even act excited or proud about the twenty-five minutes of exhausting brain-scanning you've just done, because you were supposed to have known who they were the entire time. I seriously wish it was socially acceptable for someone to be like, "Hey, do you remember me?" and for me to respond with, "No, but if you keep talking for a while, I'll probably remember, and then we can high-five over it." 

6. When Auto-correct undermines your ability to be intimidating: I mean, this one's pretty self explanatory. But that shot seriously ducking possess me off. 


    I have the worst memory in the world. This happens to me SO often!

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