Sunday, July 31, 2011

Stuff I Learned in Canada

1. Niagara Falls is the shitty Disney World: Who knew that the simple combination of gravity and water would be justified grounds for constructing the very motherload of skeevy tourist traps? It's expected that there would be restaurants and hotels and bars and stuff, but frankly, I don't see how wax museums and bird kingdoms and IMAX theaters are the least bit necessary. Least of all the last one, because, what? You want to see a high-def 180-degree view of something really cool? Walk down the fucking street and appreciate one of the most amazing natural wonders in the northern hemisphere, you closed-minded ass spelunker.

2. Toronto is the coolest city ever: Because it's the exact opposite of what I just described, and it's also quite possibly the most stuck-in-the-90's-place I've ever been to in my entire life. Guys there still appreciated hair dye and sleeve tattoos and chucks with tube socks, which means there's still hope for me and my theoretical 90's-punk husband, which means I'm moving there. Also, it's got trolleys and trolleys are the shit.

3. White people own Sevs: Long Island basically translates to three things. 1) A for-the-most-part wealthy [stuck up] community comprised of Italians, Jews, and middle aged women who talk like this. 2). The part of New York that matters less than the Five Buroughs but remains borderline notable, unlike upstate. 3). An absolute minefield of Dunkin Donuts and Seven Elevens, as in 'cannot go three blocks without seeing one.' However, despite the immeasurable number of these establishments, I had never before seen one that was owned by a white person. Sorry if that sounds unbelievably racist, but get off your righteous high horse because you know it's true. Regardless, while we were in Ontario, we walked into three Seven Elevens, and all three times, there was a super-ivory-super-Canadian bro behind the counter. Weirdest thing ever.

4. They're just as proud as being Canadian as we are of being American: Which I guess makes sense, because Canada's only a little bit younger than us and they've managed to limit their foreign enemies to a mere fraction of the amount we've obtained. Meaning they have none. No one hates Canada (and if they do it's for stupid reasons, like being jealous of the health care or having allergies to the hidden wheat gluten in syrup) so why the fuck shouldn't they be proud of their country? Legitimately, flags everywhere. Flags on t-shirts and telephone poles and cars and houses and anything else that a flag can be adhered to with rope or a thumb tack, and you know what? Good for them. Red's a cool color, and if I cared enough to rank a bunch of leaves from least preferred to most preferred, maple would probably be pretty far up there.

5. Their seagulls suck: I kind of like the fact that when I go to the beach here, there's a decently large possibility that I might get my face ripped off by Satan in bird form. It sort of adds to the excitement. This is a typical seagull that you'd find on Long Island.

And this is a picture of some I saw in Canada.

Boring as shit. Sitting there in a parking lot. Not doing anything at all. I came pretty close to them, too, trying to provoke them into doing something borderline demonic. Nothing. I guess the fact that Canada's managed to hotbox the entire country is starting to have an effect on the wildlife.

6. They like their Timmies: Mmm, I need my Timmies. What are you gonna need tomorrow? Dammit, Timmies. Give me my Timmies and nobody gets hurt. Tim Horton's is basically the most ghetto excuse for a doughnut shop that I've ever stepped foot in, and you know what? It's incredible. I really don't even care that their coffee tastes like watery gasoline and that Timbits have the consistency of the sponge that is currently lying in my kitchen sink. I commend Canada on their effort, and truthfully, my Canadian experience would not have been half as fulfilling if I hadn't gone to this shitfest of an establishment.


  1. Brian Parks (whom I'm pretty sure IS Korean by way of Canada) and his family (or friends?) owns Mass. Ave Sevs and he's so unbelievably cool. Nicest guy ever to us growing up, and cooler than you'll ever be in fact. (Cause we practically were little wee Canadian teens---little misfit 90's punks and hockeyfans/fruitbooters/skaters who goof around and act eccentric, but never steal or bother anyone. Ya, we lived there)
    What's wrong with that? The white people who own the Sevs by McCanns are not nice people and pretty sure drug deals go down there.