Friday, May 20, 2011

Things I've learned from Facebook

1. If it's posted on the internet, people care: If it's not, people don't. So you're that guy who constantly buys disposable cameras and develops a dozen rolls of film per week. That's great for you. But before you even show me a single photograph you've taken--it may be of your house, or your pets, or your children, or my children, or the Grand Canyon, or the pope, or the original Leo strut--I can tell you right off the bat that it's already been tossed into the category of I-don't-give-a-crap. However, if you upload it to an album on Facebook, I'll look at it. Multiple times. With genuine fascination, even. Yes, regardless of the subject matter. I've spent hours flipping through peoples' landscape pictures from their pointless vacations to who-the-shit-knows. No, I don't know what possessed this person to upload a picture of a some snow on a mountain. Yes, I want to look at it anyway. And you've done this too, so don't lie. The same goes for conversations. If it's small-talk coming from the table behind me in a diner, I want you to shut up. If it's the same exact small-talk, entirely verbatim, on someone's wall, I'll probably end up reading every word of it.

2. Someone is always free: Since the day you created a Facebook account, you were no longer allowed  to use the excuse, "I couldn't find plans." If you're home alone on a Saturday night, it's either because A) you made the conscious decision to spend the night watching reruns on Hulu, or B) you were too lazy to type the word "Plans" followed by a question mark into your status bar. The greatest thing about this one is that it's like sending out a who's-free poll to everyone you know. Except it's better, because then you get to choose the person who sucks the least. 

3. Alarm clocks are outdated: Meaning you don't need one if you've got Facebook. In the same way that someone's always free, someone's always awake. If you need to be up at six AM, you put it on your status and bam, you've got one personal wake-up call. If you need to be up at one PM, you put it on your status and bam, you've got eight personal wake-up calls. Which is probably for the best, because I typically sleep through half of them anyway. 

4. You don't have pictures until you have chick friends: I've spent countless hours with the metalheads-- playing Super Smash Bros, watching them play Super Smash Bros, watching mindless television, watching them watch mindless television, at crappy metal shows, playing ultimate frisbee, quoting the GI Joe PSAs--and not one minute of this time was ever documented. Why? Because I was the only female present, and, in society's eyes, I was not a proper female until I received a digital camera for Christmas this past year. Perhaps I'm still not a proper female, because I positively never have it with me. As a result, before my first year of college, the only pictures that would pop up on Facebook were A) pictures from large parties, where there were girls present, and B) pictures from high school, where there were girls present.  This is not an accurate portrayal of my life and the things I do in my free time, as an acquaintance might jump straight to the simple conclusion that I am always A) at large parties, or B) at high school. Which is A) really badass, and B) not so badass. 

5. Old people are funnier than we thought: Specifically because this is the one place where they do not know more than us. Technology as a whole is the one thing that our generation is impeccable at, and old people can't even attempt to hold a candle to us. Of course they're going to lecture about it, saying things like, "You kids spend all your time staring at a screen," and "Do you have to text people twenty-four hours a day?" First off, yes. Secondly, what they really mean is, "I am unbearably jealous that, in the time it would've taken me to pick up my ghetto house phone, flip through the address book, locate a number, call it, and ask a friend to come over and knit with me, you could have already notified every last person in your contacts list, and half of them would have already gotten in their cars by now. Which are notably faster than our horse-drawn carriages." Basically, after having to endure these and similar conversations countless times over, it's fun to watch old people attempt to use the internet. Specifically those who unintentionally post on their own walls and don't know how to delete Farmville notifications, and type in all caps and sign their names at the bottom of picture comments even though Facebook's major selling point is the fact that everything you do or say is preceded by your full name in bold, blue, cannot-physically-overlook-this text. 

6. Your self-esteem does not have to be low: Absolutely everyone has those days where shit goes horribly wrong, and people say heartless things to you, and you need to be reminded that people actually like you. Even if they don't, Facebook's got the ability to trick you into thinking that they do. Here's how you can use this to your advantage:
1. Launch the internet browser of your choice. 
2. Open two tabs. In one of them, navigate to Facebook. In the other, navigate to IMDb. 
3. Think of the most mainstream, overly-quoted, unbearably-popular film you've seen in the past several years. Suggestions: Anchorman, The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, Wedding Crashers, School of Rock,  Anything by Tim Burton, Spider-man, OR (overrides the last-several-years-rule) any 80's-90's old school animated Disney movie (preferably pinpoint a specific lyric from a specific song). 
4. Search said movie, copy quote, paste it into your status. 
5. Note inflation of ego while you receive shittons of notifications.


  1. I would like to point out that like half of the pictures of us are from you. Ha, you are part woman.

  2. Also, capatcha's bite. Clearly I am a real person, a robot wouldn't waste the electrons to post on this.