Sunday, May 1, 2011

Words I love

So my first post was about words I hated, and there was a significant amount of ranting and vulgarity and angst.  On the flip-side, though, there's tons of words I sincerely appreciate--words that are just so perfect and explanatory that if these words didn't exist, there would be positively no alternate way of saying what you wanted to. Here's the list so far:

Shit-ton: This term should be annexed into math/science textbooks as a legitimate and functional unit of measurement. Why? It's an end-all to every quantity question ever. Observe:
Your mom: How many people were at your jazz band concert?
You: I dunno. A lot.
Your mom: Well, how much is a lot?
You: I don't know. I didn't count them.
Your mom: Well, if you had to guess. 
You: A shit-ton.
Your mom: Based on the information you have just provided me with, I was able to conclude that if there are sixteen members in the jazz band (3 trombonists + 5 saxophonists + 1 pianist + 2 percussionists +1 flutist + 3 trumpeters + 1 bassist) and every member brings approximately two parents and one friend, there are four dozen individuals in the audience. One must also account for that one specific person who always invites his four sisters, two brothers, extended family (two grandparents, aunt, uncle, twice-removed adopted cousin who is visiting from Indonesia) and neighbor. Then, on average, there are eight and a half senior citizens who attend free college-band events (the 1/2 because he or she is too senile to stay awake) and this brings our total to 68.5 attendees. Your answer was detailed and abundant; I thank you for this riveting conversation, and here's an extra $40 to add to your allowance this week. 
Now I know what you're thinking. That scenario is a tad bit unrealistic. Why? Because I didn't specify whether the unit of "shit-ton" was standard or metric. To that I say, "Both. Simultaneously." That's how awesome this word is. 

Spew: I love this word because it's just so visual. I don't particularly think that there's any word in the English language that can match its genius, but the thesaurus futilely suggests: belch, bring up, cascade, disgorge, eject, eruct, erupt, expel, flood, gush, heave, irrupt, puke, regurgitate, scatter, spit, spit up, spread, spritz, throw up, urp, vomit. Now picture this scenario: You're sitting at your computer around eleven o'clock at night. You're on the chan. You're shoving your face with Cheetos and Gatorade because it's the only thing you have in your house and your existence is pitiful. The following image comes up on your screen: 
Gatorade had previously been making its way down your throat, but now you've gone and spewed it out of every orifice from the neck up. Analyze that list of supposed synonyms, momentarily switch them in where the word 'spewed' was, and see if you get anywhere as vivid of an image. Or you could take my word for it, because you won't get anywhere as vivid of an image. 

Shenanigans: This word is vague, but I'm pretty sure that's the point. It's ambiguous enough that you don't know what's coming, but you can almost always assume that it will involve A) flammable materials, B) tranquilizer darts, C) cop cars, D) alcoholic beverages, E) explosives, F) concussed people, G) the removal and trade of human organs, H) All of the aforementioned as well as any other object that would expectedly be confiscated by airport security. If you ask someone what they're up to, and they respond with "Shenanigans," either get in on that shit (to avoid becoming the target) or remove yourself from the premises.

Asshat: There's tons of threats and insults that include "ass" and/or the act of shoving something there. Asshole, assface, shove it up your ass, my foot in your ass (© Red Forman). Perhaps the most effective, however, is when the threat/insult includes (rather than an external object) a part of the target being shoved up the target's ass. This is perhaps more degrading, as it assumes a complete lack of control of one's own appendages/parts, and therefore absolute helplessness. You could take the time to stand there and explain to the person, "I am going to shove your head so far up your ass, you will (place witty effect of ass-shoving here)." Or, you could simply save your breath and call someone an Asshat, which UrbanDictionary describes as, "One who has his head up his ass. Thus wearing his ass as a hat. Asshat." Effective, graphic, and to-the-point. 

Angst: The thesaurus says: Weltschmerz, agony, apprehension, blues, depression, dread, mid-life crisis, misgiving, nervousness, uneasiness. I don't know that the hell Weltschmerz is (if I had to guess, I'd put my money on a Crayola color in the Crayola 800ct box--a sort of mix between mustard yellow and pea-soup green) but the rest of these words do not even do it justice. Angst is a perfect visual of an emo kid in a dark corner, Mussolini when he knew he was fucked after he was captured near Lago Di Como, this cat:

Words like "agony" and "misgiving" and "depression" do not even come close. 


  1. You changed the atheistic again.
    You have angst towards the fact that Microsoft word squiggles angsty.